Books before the word storm

Of course all the books I ordered arrived today, just a few days before I want to try to start writing a ridiculous amount of words when July starts (Camp NaNo).

That sounds like I’m upset that I have new books to read.

I am not.

But it may mean that I won’t get to read them as quickly as I wanted since I also want to write.

Or it may mean that I won’t write because the books are too good.

Either of those options may send me into a bad mood that will try to keep the words from being written and the pages from being read, because that’s just the kind of mood I’m in lately.

Yeah. Little things that don’t bother me when I’m in a good head space are making me do drastic things like delete my Facebook posts from forever. I did it at work, and I did it on my personal one. At this point, I’m even refusing to share posts there because every time I run across something that seems valid and interesting, the worry fear terror that there will be something controversial about it somehow and it will make a friend attack the information being presented (not me, mind you – I realize I’m not being attacked), and I will be feel like an utter failure who is completely incapable of forming acceptable opinions, or defending them.

That’s also probably why I’m not posting videos, either. I hadn’t thought about that.

Here’s where I am right now:

  • pre-menstrual
  • depressed mood
    (I don’t have a diagnosis, so I won’t say “depressed” or “depression”, but that’s probably what this is)
  • hyper-sensitive to criticism
    (I know criticism isn’t always an attack, but right now it doesn’t feel that way)
  • general malaise
    (consisting of sleeping, scrolling on my phone, or drinking instead of doing something productive like reading, writing, or recording videos)

It’s a MEH mood. And not the good kind of “meh” where it’s an expression of “it is what it is,” but rather the “meh” where you can’t bring yourself to care about anything while at the same time everything feels like a personal attack meant to prove to you what a piece of crap you really are.

I know I’m not a piece of crap. I’m pretty cool, actually. My heart is usually in the right place. I’m kind of attractive. I’m a good mom.

But it doesn’t feel like that. It feels like nothing.

Happy Saturday, and Loves.

Meh

It’s just a mood, and it’ll probably pass, but I’m kind of meh. It may have something to do with a Twitch streamer I usually enjoy watching argue with his audience about white privilege, and me getting frustrated with his constant arguments with people trying to set him straight. Twitch is a hard place to have a conversation, with so many voices going at once. I felt overwhelmed and irritated, so I left and temporarily paused notifications on his new material. I’ll resubscribe someday.

It’s Sunday. I have to pick up groceries, and I got an afternoon time so I’ll go out a little early with Junior Youth and we’ll get desired fast food lunches for ourselves and bring something back for Elder Youth and DH as well, if they’re interested.

And I have already “ruined” my YouTube uploading schedule. Now I say “ruined” but I don’t really mean it. Nothing is ruined because nothing is set in stone, and, well, it’s just not ruined. But whatever. I’m not sure why I said that. No, I do. I said I wanted to upload on particular days, and I missed a particular day, and so it feels like a failure, but it’s really not.

Well, not in the way “failure” implies, that the whole thing is ruined and not worth picking up again. It’s just a thing that happened, and I’ll figure it out. Maybe find a way to make it easier on myself, maybe record something in a different style, whatever. I had wanted to try recording and editing on my phone, so perhaps I’ll try that today since one child is occupied on the computer and the other is occupied in their room.

Not much else going on. I’m still working my way through Mad Men, and I’m afraid I won’t make it through all seven seasons before it’s removed from Netflix. Well, I’ll get as far as I can. It’s not like I haven’t seen it before. 😉

Actually, it’d be better if I stopped watching it, since there are other things I’d like to see, but the part of me that likes to finish one thing before starting another is stopping me from taking the two hours to watch another show. Bah.

Well, it’s now nearing 10:30 am, and I need to shower, brush teeth, do all those morning things that need to happen just as much as all the journals that I usually make time for first. Shower, teeth, reading, meditating, recording…

Meh.

I hope you’re having a great day, and if you’re not having a great day I hope you’re having a good day, and if you’re not having a good day, I hope tomorrow is better. Loves!