Stress eating

I’ve done more stress eating since going back to the office than I ever did at the start of the stay at home order. And I’ve done less moving since going back to the office than I did while working from home.

I am made to work from home. That’s the logical conclusion here.

It actually indicates something else for me as well, but I’m not going to state that conclusion out loud.

I am someone that absolutely hates conflict. I like gossip, but I hate conflict. And my favorite form of exercise (and I’m so sorry, I know this isn’t original) is jumping to conclusions. I have it pretty under control these days, but it still creeps up.

Like what happened a few weeks ago. I posted a post on a social media account that I share with coworkers, and someone replied something that was most likely a general comment about the general negative tone on said social media, but felt like a personal fucking attack. I can’t delete that social media, but I sure as hell can delete all the posts I’ve made over the last ten years or so, and so I did that.

<sarcasm> Because that’s totally a rational reaction to a comment someone made on social media, and not to my face. </sarcasm>

Trust me, I do understand that it was an overreaction. And if maybe it happened again a week later on a different social media account? Yeah, I understand that’s an overreaction as well.

But honestly, it feels better. It feels like I cleaned up a mess that was sticky and starting to attract ants. I feel like I have control again. And maybe it’s helping me pay more attention to what I post on the few accounts I haven’t purged yet.

Or maybe not. Only time will tell.

Loves. No comments today.

Rain, rain.

That’s it. It’s supposed to rain all day so I got up early to take a walk with my youngest, but it was too chilly for them so we came back early. Part of me wants to go back out, but I’m eating lunch and I don’t think a big walk right after stuffing my gob would be a great idea. I can practically feel the cramps now.

Last night I watched the last Star Wars film on Disney+. I am not a Star Wars snob, I just like me some flashy big screen eye candy, so I enjoyed this film. Although Rose got shafted, I would like to say that. No spoilers otherwise, because I do know people get wound up about that. I guess I’ll just vaguely state that they handled Carrie Fisher’s stuff well, I really appreciated how they handled Rey and Ben’s relationship (I totally picked up those vibes in the previous film, and I’m glad they gave folks like me what we were hoping for), and…that’s about it. I had started watching the series again from Episode I and I think I got to Episode IV, so I would like to finish watching the entire thing, especially the last three, one more time before I stop paying attention to Star Wars again. I’ll get there.

I am ridiculously stressed out right now with Things. Super anxious, super stressed, super sad. It’s amplified by my period, and probably the gloomy weather outside. Both of those things will pass, and I think within the next couple weeks things will normalize for me and I’ll start to be able to manage things without taking personal offense to random comments probably not directed at me. For the time being, though, I will probably continue to cull my alternate Facebook account of all posts ever because that one thing I posted innocently the other day and everyone kept posting things like, “Jesus fuck, can’t we be fucking positive anymore? This depression is getting old!” And, y’know, maybe they were making a general statement about the general mood on Facebook, but it sure felt like they were making a specific statement about my choice of poop emoji background to, “We’re alive – how are you?”

I’m fucking depressed! Maybe not clinically, but maybe so, and overall, my mood is fucking lower than usual! I have two major issues right now that are fucking depressing! I am stressed out trying to stay focused on my day job and trying to pretend like everything is okay! Just let me be pissy for a bit. For fuck’s sake.

So you can see that I’m taking that a little personally, I suppose.

Let’s see, what else?

I would like to film again today. We’ll see if I have the patience for that. I would like to write fiction today. We’ll see if I have the creativity for that. I would like to make it through the afternoon and not participate in the group alcohol consumption on video chat with my day job (the video chat is fine, but I don’t want to drink with them, is what I’m getting at). We’ll see if I have the self control for that.

I hope you’re having a good day.

And if you’re not having a good day, I hope you’re having an okay day.

And if you’re not having an okay day, I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.