I had my first therapy appointment in two years yesterday. I had last seen this therapist, whom I will now and forevermore refer to as M, because privacy, about two years ago when there was a significant Event in my life I needed help with. I had been stressed for several days leading up to the appointment because honestly, I had moved past the bad day that had caused me to reach out in the first place. I didn’t know what to talk about, because I felt like I had things under control (even though my head knew I didn’t have things under control, but emotions are weird like that.)
Previous attempts at therapy haven’t worked. The first time I went I was in my early 20’s. I spent the entire first session not talking and just crying because I didn’t know how to answer any of her questions. I had my thoughts in a firm lockdown (although apparently not my emotions), and ultimately it turned out that the therapist I was seeing was not a good fit, even though at the time I was seeing exactly the person I thought I needed to see. With the benefits of hindsight, that particular therapist was never going to be able to help me.
My second attempt at therapy was with M two years ago after that life event I mentioned. I went in wanting someone to validate my feelings and decisions, not challenge me to think things through, explore other opinions, or otherwise confront what I had decided was right. Then my grandma passed away, and I had to cancel an appointment to drive to the midwest for her funeral (a 12 hour drive), and I just never went back. At the time I think I had reached one of those points where I felt like everything was okay, and so rationalized not returning because the ripples from the event that sent me there in the first place had settled a bit. But really (again, hindsight), I just didn’t want to deal with the hard things I was going to have to deal with.
Now, as I mentioned in yesterday’s Youtube video, I am going through a family crisis, and with that there are several individual events occurring. The one that occurred at the start of August was the one that made me think, “I need a fucking therapist.” Not very eloquent, but it was just the last straw. I don’t know if I was having a bad day that felt bad, or a bad day that felt fine, but it set in my head that I needed to go back. So I called M’s office, and checked to see if M, or anyone else, had any openings. It turned out that M would squeeze me in since I had been a past client, but I’d have to take whatever appointments I could get.
As you can imagine, therapists are kind of swamped these days.
What’s different now from those previous visits? Am I finally ready to do the work, or was there just a straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak? Probably a little bit of both. Additionally, we are as a family doing therapy for the benefit of one member (but also for all of us) that will be 2-3 times a week in our home for 8 months. And honestly, since I made the appointment with M before we had been prescribed the family-based therapy in our home, I kind of feared that I wouldn’t need therapy with M in addition to the other. But I kept the appointment. And I’m glad I did.
I still don’t know what to talk about, and apparently, that’s okay. I think after I’ve had a couple sessions I’ll probably find something to focus on, but maybe I won’t. M seemed okay with that. She said some folks just need someone to talk to once in a while, and maybe that’s what I need. M also suggested that I go see my primary care doctor to talk about possibly getting some medication for the depression it feels like I have, or the anxiety, or maybe even talk about getting a referral to a psychiatrist who might be able to put a label and the appropriate accompanying meds to kind of help me get some balance.
Because some times I really , really do feel off balance.
So I have another appointment scheduled for the end of the month. I’m not too fussed that it’s a month away (four weeks), although I would have tried to get in again in 2 weeks had it been possible. We’ll see how it goes. Hopefully well.
In other news, I have refreshed the header and site icon to match what I did on my YouTube, Twitter, and Patreon pages. I’ll be honest – green is not my favorite color. I like green, green is okay, but pink is my favorite, followed by black, white, red, and rainbow. But my last name kind of implies the color green, and when I found this template on Canva, I kind of loved it. I played around a bit for a couple days before committing, finally choosing the sparkle heart emoji that I put together as the icon. I replaced my face because even though so many channels do have their face as their icon, it didn’t feel right for me. It may be not liking to look at my face, or it may have been the type of photo used, but I really like this more. Green, pink, white, and black feel like my branding colors, to be honest. I don’t know why precisely, but they just feel right.
I hope you’re having a great day!
And if you’re not having a great day, I hope you’re having a good day.
And if you’re not having a good day, I hope tomorrow is better.
Loves! 💖
Nicki Gets Distracted 