Comments

The longer I keep the blog up (and the less frequently I post) the more spam comments I get. They’re annoying. I don’t like them. And they’re always on really, really old posts.

So I’m going to turn off comments on posts older than 5 days.

That is all.

Loves!

Books before the word storm

Of course all the books I ordered arrived today, just a few days before I want to try to start writing a ridiculous amount of words when July starts (Camp NaNo).

That sounds like I’m upset that I have new books to read.

I am not.

But it may mean that I won’t get to read them as quickly as I wanted since I also want to write.

Or it may mean that I won’t write because the books are too good.

Either of those options may send me into a bad mood that will try to keep the words from being written and the pages from being read, because that’s just the kind of mood I’m in lately.

Yeah. Little things that don’t bother me when I’m in a good head space are making me do drastic things like delete my Facebook posts from forever. I did it at work, and I did it on my personal one. At this point, I’m even refusing to share posts there because every time I run across something that seems valid and interesting, the worry fear terror that there will be something controversial about it somehow and it will make a friend attack the information being presented (not me, mind you – I realize I’m not being attacked), and I will be feel like an utter failure who is completely incapable of forming acceptable opinions, or defending them.

That’s also probably why I’m not posting videos, either. I hadn’t thought about that.

Here’s where I am right now:

  • pre-menstrual
  • depressed mood
    (I don’t have a diagnosis, so I won’t say “depressed” or “depression”, but that’s probably what this is)
  • hyper-sensitive to criticism
    (I know criticism isn’t always an attack, but right now it doesn’t feel that way)
  • general malaise
    (consisting of sleeping, scrolling on my phone, or drinking instead of doing something productive like reading, writing, or recording videos)

It’s a MEH mood. And not the good kind of “meh” where it’s an expression of “it is what it is,” but rather the “meh” where you can’t bring yourself to care about anything while at the same time everything feels like a personal attack meant to prove to you what a piece of crap you really are.

I know I’m not a piece of crap. I’m pretty cool, actually. My heart is usually in the right place. I’m kind of attractive. I’m a good mom.

But it doesn’t feel like that. It feels like nothing.

Happy Saturday, and Loves.

I found a couple new distractions

In the form of video games. Two new ones on my phone. One was recommended by Elder Youth, the other by ads.

I am getting a lot of ads for “Win Real Money!” kind of games. I’m smart enough not to throw actual money at games like that. I’m not good at gambling (as in, knowing when to quit). But I am, however, willing to watch any number of ads in an attempt to win money.

Just like I’m willing to answer surveys in order to earn money.

Basically, I’ll give tons of time on the off chance it’s legit enough to maybe let me cash out a bit.

I’m a sucker.

I need new glasses. There used to be a plastic sheath on the arms of my current pair, but then it started to deteriorate, and I got tired of dealing with it (especially since it was oozing something resembling ear wax), so I pulled/cut the plastic off. Now the arms of my glasses are very thin, and they pressed into my head behind my ear before, but now it’s worse. So I should definitely make an appointment.

Yesterday broke my streak here on the blog. I made it to 70 days in a row! And then yesterday, I just didn’t want to. So I didn’t. And tonight, I just wanted to create something. So I’m back.

But I should put this aside and read some. I’m getting to a good spot in my book, and I’m running into things and suggestions that really sound like things I want to put into action.

But I’m not really sure how.

It’s silly stuff I know how to do. I know how to track things. I like spreadsheets. I like my bullet journal and making habit trackers. Maybe it’s a little that I don’t know what to track. Maybe it’s a lot that I don’t know what to track. (I’m not looking for ideas. I know I could track words written, pages read, distance walked, etc. I have ideas.)

Anyway.

I’m babbling.

My smallest cat jumped on his next largest brother. Just looked down on him from the edge of the sofa, and plopped on down directly on top of his sibling.

Shybutts is the sweetest, the gentlest, the shyest, the most precious of our cats. And he’s also the biggest troublemaker, and he nearly always gets away with it.

Static is the cross-eyed, plain, solid sibling. And he’s also the most loyal, the kindest, and most toilet-prone. We’re working on the toilet issue.

Anyway.

That’s what I had to share. It’s not really a lot to share, I suppose. I mean, it’s a lot of words, but it’s not a lot of content.

Whatever.

Loves.

Stress eating

I’ve done more stress eating since going back to the office than I ever did at the start of the stay at home order. And I’ve done less moving since going back to the office than I did while working from home.

I am made to work from home. That’s the logical conclusion here.

It actually indicates something else for me as well, but I’m not going to state that conclusion out loud.

I am someone that absolutely hates conflict. I like gossip, but I hate conflict. And my favorite form of exercise (and I’m so sorry, I know this isn’t original) is jumping to conclusions. I have it pretty under control these days, but it still creeps up.

Like what happened a few weeks ago. I posted a post on a social media account that I share with coworkers, and someone replied something that was most likely a general comment about the general negative tone on said social media, but felt like a personal fucking attack. I can’t delete that social media, but I sure as hell can delete all the posts I’ve made over the last ten years or so, and so I did that.

<sarcasm> Because that’s totally a rational reaction to a comment someone made on social media, and not to my face. </sarcasm>

Trust me, I do understand that it was an overreaction. And if maybe it happened again a week later on a different social media account? Yeah, I understand that’s an overreaction as well.

But honestly, it feels better. It feels like I cleaned up a mess that was sticky and starting to attract ants. I feel like I have control again. And maybe it’s helping me pay more attention to what I post on the few accounts I haven’t purged yet.

Or maybe not. Only time will tell.

Loves. No comments today.

Looking for what you have

I’m really frustrated right now with my inability to express what I’m trying to say, and what I thought I could build an entire post off of (which I now think won’t work). Essentially, a friend told me about a new social network that I thought looked interesting and I thought about joining, because that would finally be the place where I could start over and really be myself.

And that’s bullshit, because I have this damn blog, and it’s essentially the same thing as yelling into the void because I believe a whole two people read it.

So whatever. I’m tired of that idea already. I sound like I’m whining, and that’s not attractive.

Just a couple other thoughts that crossed my mind this week that are significantly less whiny.

I mentioned on Twitter that I would like to have a job where it is a requirement that I pre-order books. And someone I don’t know well but whose tweets I usually enjoy replied that I should be a librarian, and that’s what they’d been doing all morning.

Oddly enough, that has crossed my mind recently. As I spend more time thinking about goals and things I want, I regret not having finished my 4-year degree. The time wasn’t right for it, though, and I wouldn’t have the life I’ve had (good and bad) had I forced my way through. Whatever. That’s not what I wanted to say.

Anyway, so for whatever reason, making a goal to get a Bachelor or even a Master’s degree has held some appeal. I don’t know why I settled on “librarian”.

Damn it. I don’t know where I’m going with this.

Again.

Anyway. Maybe someday I’ll go back to school to become a librarian. Maybe someday I’ll have enough income that I could go back to school to get a Bachelor and Master’s degree, which I believe is the requirement to become a person with a librarian job. Because schooling is fucking expensive, and I shouldn’t have wasted money on it the first time, and I’m sure as hell not going to take out loans for such a thing at this point in my life, in the financial situation I currently exist in.

I’m so scattered today.

It’s Saturday.

Happy weekend.

A late addition

Today is Juneteenth. This is not the first year I’ve been aware of the holiday, but it is close to it. It wasn’t taught in school. I think I heard about the holiday for the first time in the last couple of years. I’m not very proud of that.

I’m working on a small sewing project for Junior Youth – sewing a pocket onto the front of a t-shirt turned tank top so there’s a pouch for JY to carry our newest family member, Benelli. Benelli is a guinea pig, and I don’t know if I’ve mentioned her before.

Unfortunately, since I’m doing it by hand, my right hand started to cramp up when I got about 1/3 of the way through the project, so I’ll have to work more on it tomorrow. Hopefully I can finish it. I may take it with me to do laundry, in fact.

I really don’t mind sewing by hand all that much, but if I was more comfortable with setting up my sewing machine, I 100% would rather be using that. I just don’t have the mental energy for that, which is why I haven’t made any masks yet, either.

I got home early today, as I mentioned. I stayed late to work on getting Dropbox moved to a new hard drive on one of the office computers, so I got home less early than I would have had I bolted at 1 pm. But it was still early, so I took a nap, which was lovely. And now, I’m nearly ready for a nap again. I ate most of a pint of ice cream, and it was delicious. I can see the cats sprawling on their backs with their cute little back legs spread wide, airing out their delicate bits (at least the ones I didn’t have removed in favor of reducing unwanted kitten populations), and they have such good ideas (the naps, not necessarily the sprawl position).

I hope you had a good day. And if you didn’t have a good day, I hope you had an okay day. And if you didn’t have an okay day, I hope tomorrow is better. Loves.

A new daily habit?

I watched this video about a woman who did a timelapse of her learning to write with her non-dominant hand, and it’s so neat!

So I’m trying it.

So as the captions already note, day 0 was me writing with my dominant hand as a baseline. I’m doing as the video did, using Wikipedia articles. The first article is listed, and the second and third articles were Rainbow and Clover, respectively.

Day 1 was rough. I can hardly read it! My hand was jumping all over, and I didn’t have a good grip on my hand. It’s actually worse than my reverse handwriting with my right hand, which I may try next, because that’s a fun trick, too.

Day 2 went better – that was this morning. I wrote a little more slowly, and I had a better grip. But it’s still rough. At least it’s legible, though. More or less.

I don’t know why I’m using my time like this. I’m feeling guilty about not making time for YouTube right now. That would mean asking my kids to accept less of my time, though, and that’s not going to happen.

Well, anyway. I remembered to blog! Woo!

Happy Thursday!

Daily Reminder

The Reminder I set up on my phone is persistent, and I appreciate it.

This is your daily reminder. What are you grateful for today?

I am grateful for getting more sleep when my body tells me I need it.

I am grateful for all the help I have trying to raise my kids. My husband, my parents, therapists, doctors. They’re all critical.

I am grateful we haven’t had creditors calling us in the past 18 years, because creditor calls and letters suck ass.

I am grateful I have most of my debt in a debt management plan that helps me get those fuckers paid off because seriously, I fucking hate debt.

I am grateful we are able to pay our bills even though our income is altered right now.

I am grateful I have a job that is so flexible, and that I’m able to work in the office right now.

I am grateful for the new idea to work on my penmanship with a little bit of daily practice. (I’ll post some updates soon.)

There’s more, but I’m also crunched for time.

Loves.

Things to do when I wake up early

Because I often allow myself to go back to bed instead of waking up when I said I wanted to wake up, I thought I’d make a list I could look at (or remember, hopefully, since I doubt I’ll have this easily accessible) of the things I find I don’t always have time or energy for after I’ve been at the office all day.

I could:

  • journal
  • meditate
  • walk
  • blog
  • record a video
  • read
  • eat breakfast
  • watch TV
  • write
  • epilate
  • write a letter
  • catch up on YouTube
  • do my nails
  • practice my left-handed writing

Those are the things I thought of on my way to work.

Here’s what from that list I managed this morning, having woken at 4:45 am.

  • meditate
  • journal (x3)
  • read
  • watch TV
  • walk

I had reached the fourth item on that list, thinking, “Hey, I really want to watch part of this show so I can finish the series and then concentrate on other things, like writing,” and I realized ugh, I haven’t been walking in forever, and I can totally listen to YouTube videos like they’re podcasts, and still walk.

So that’s what I did.

And I was late to work. Not a lot late, just three or four minutes. I know that’s a side effect of getting so comfortable at home with being able to see it was 8:45 and hey, I should get in the shower. But things are different now, and I really ought to be ready to go (except maybe for making lunch) by eight to get out the door and to the office on time.

I’ll work on that.

I hope you’re having a great day! And if you’re not having a great day, I hope you’re having an okay day. And if you’re not having an okay day, then I hope tomorrow is better. Loves!